You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
