Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
