in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
