Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
