Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
