i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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