I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
