Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
