Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
