he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
