Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize