Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize