You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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