i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
