I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
