I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
