when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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