At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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