it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
