I wish I could punch you in the face.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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