Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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