wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
