Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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