Pants 0. Shit 1.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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