Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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