i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When are your genitals available?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
