I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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