I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
