dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
