The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
