last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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