I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
