Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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