Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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