Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
