pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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