Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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