why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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