I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
