I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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