So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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