I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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