Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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