totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
