i was born a porn star she said
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
