His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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