i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
