In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
