i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
