life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just want to make out with him forever
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
