this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
