Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
