we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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