I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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