I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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