we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
